she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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