Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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