If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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