I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
