this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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