There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize