i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
