There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I checked into jail on foursquare
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
