I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I supernannyed him into submission
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
