I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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