"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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