it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
