I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
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