Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Sponge bath it is.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
