Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
