stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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