Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
