im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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