do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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