It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
