He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize
