She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
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Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
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My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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