i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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