So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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