Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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