People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
