Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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