I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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