every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
