I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
