FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
This is the high leading the old right now
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
You did what with his pubic hair?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
