Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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