If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
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So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
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I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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