shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
so much tequila, so little girl.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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