I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Randomize
