i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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