Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Randomize
