It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
