Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
