tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
