My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
