That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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