You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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