I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
