just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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