mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
