just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
