Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
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