He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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