Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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