if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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