She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
