nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
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You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
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Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
It's shark week go big or go home
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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