I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
